Elevator Pitch

Here’s an example elevator pitch. Please critique it:

"Do you know how when someone is new to a city or visiting it, it's hard to know the hotspots and the fun places to go? Or say you have 2 hours to kill while you wait for your flight? We're building a smartphone app which will give you a few focused recommendations based on where you are, what you want to do and how much time you have. We'll crowdsource recommendations, and have game mechanics to make it fun. We're not sure yet how we'll make money but we're thinking along the lines of coupons or sponsored recommendations. It will be designed as a platform so we can easily release it for other cities.
Tips for elevator pitches
  • You should have it at the tip of your tounge so when you run into the president you can answer the question: “So, what’s your business do?” in a clear, interesting, catchy, provocative manner.
  • Purpose of an elevator pitch is to sell. To get the listener to say, “hmm, let’s sit down so you can tell me more.”
  • An elevator pitch is meant to be spoken or read to a potential investor or board member
  • Put yourself in the listeners shoes, really!
  • Imagine that they say, “So What?” in response to each of your lines
  • If there’s a very obvious objection, respond to it right away.
  • Hook them with the first words out of your mouth.
  • Your goal is that they say, “Tell me more!”, or “Please show it to me!”, or best, “I need one of those, I will pay anything for it!”